Coming Up on Six Months

I haven't had any desire to write since JR's passing and for some reason today I just sat down, looked up the blog to see if it was even still there and decided to give everyone an update. So much has happened in the nearly 6 months since JR was here with us. I've cried millions of tears that come whenever they decide to come. For example, earlier today I was returning Addie's Hannah Montana combination clock/radio and iPod docking station Christmas present to Toys R Us (this is the second such product I've purchased that completely just doesn't work) and heard a dorky 'ole Pat Bennitar song "We Belong Together" and sat sobbing for half an hour in the parking lot. Didn't expect that one. Going into the store is also gut-wrenching. JR was always fascinated by any store that sold, well, anything. Talk about a kid in a candy shop, or in his case, just a kid in a shop. Add toys and voila, a full-scale battlefield where he always somehow won. Especially given his circumstance, there were never too many "no" answers coming from my mouth. I literally have to turn my head away from the Lego section or the sports equipment section or when I see Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh or even Thomas the Train. Then there's the Nintendo and Wii stuff and the bike section. It pretty much covers the whole store except the very pink sections that I head for and wander around in until I can get enough courage to sprint with my head down to the cash registers. I had on dark glasses today to hide my puffy red eyes so imagine what type of lunatic people in the store must have thought I was! I had also slept in the clothes I was wearing. URRRRrrrrrr. In the end, I was proud that I had returned one item on time and while I was there, managed to buy a birthday present for a party that's not for another 9 days. If I can check off just one thing on my list then I feel like I've had a productive day. The number of things on that list is so overwhelming (and growing) that completing one item a day doesn't come close to outpacing the rate of growth of the list, so do the math. Also, there are some things (like returning a purchase to a store) that are simply, "get in the car and drive" that I can handle quickly but if there is a "search for the receipt" or a "find a replacement" component then the task might go right off the radar and slip way down on the list. There is also no rationale behind the things that might suddenly jump to the top. I spent hours the other day working on updating my passport and getting Addie's together. Huh? How did that get to the top of the list? They're not done, by the way, but a new file has been created and has added several new things to my To Do list. Mind you, I had a minor case of the same traits before any of this happened but to see this behavior so amplified worries me a bit. What's in store? Do I care?
Let's see....we had JR's wake on July 21st at Lawrence Funeral Home in Darien. The Lawrence Family was so wonderful, kind and generous to us that we were speechless. If any of you aren't aware, JR (and Addie's) school nurse is a Lawrence sister, so the existing tie to the Lawrence Family already ran very deep. I don't know how many hundreds of people came and don't remember a whole lot about it, except that while I stood next to JR's casket for 6 hours, I hugged and cried with so many people that the button on my jacket pressed into the middle of my chest so many times that I had a big bruise there. Talk about auto-pilot. We managed to get boxes upon boxes of JR's stuff (including his impressive Webkinz collection) scattered all around the funeral home. We were in such a fog we look back and wondered how everything could have taken place. We were just gone. Completely gone.
The funeral the next day at St. Luke's? Huh? I guess that happened, too. I will figure out how to attach each of the eulogies but if I try to do it right now, I'll never get finished here. I only remember looking down at the floor while walking in, reading something and scooting out into the car. I also remember Laura playing the flute since she was one of the few people that I faced. I know what Jim, Bill, Ron, Andrea and Kimberly read but never heard them. I found out later that the church was overflowing and that people had come from all over the place. Sorry to everyone that I didn't see that day (Tracey came all the way from California and I didn't even know it!!). We went to the cemetery (Long Ridge Union Cemetery in Stamford)?? Little blurry on that one, then went home to change and met up with many of you over at Weed Beach for a little casual JR-inspired beach time. I do remember a little of that. The kids all signed a blue balloon and let it go while yelling "We love you JR". Neighbor Kurt got the perfect shot of the balloon releasing.

Just in case you're curious, no, it hasn't gotten any easier. In fact, I find that it has become more difficult as time goes on. A touch of the disbelief and shock wears off to reveal some very tortured feelings. I find that most of the time, I can manage to put the disbelief lid back on in order to save the anguish for later. Works for me.

Well, let's see....that brings us to the end of the first week, only 25 more to go to get caught up. You see how this works?!! I promise to have more info soon but for now, I'm signing off. Thanks for reading and please send JR's soul your most wonderful thoughts.